When we are among our loved ones, it is amazingly easy to say everything that comes to mind. And it often seems as if this is a good thing – so comfortable are we with these people that we feel free to share any thoughts we have. Sometimes, however, our words don’t just hurt those around us, they ruin relationships.
Couples often fail to communicate, even if they want to, because they are uncomfortable with how they articulate their thoughts. The first think he said one thing, and the other hears something else entirely. This is where misunderstandings begin.
Experts highlight some of the most dangerous statements, which should be avoided if you want to save the relationship.
What phrases are harmful to the relationship
1.”It’s nothing” or “Everything will pass.”
Such remarks are often spoken with good intentions. For example, explain to your partner is you found it on the new christian dating app that the situation is not as disastrous as it seems. However, he may think that you are ignoring and belittling his feelings. This is especially true with phrases like “It’s all nonsense,” “Just let it go,” or “Forget about it.” They make us feel silly and regret that we chose to share our feelings at all.
How can we support our partner in other ways? For example, like this, “This seems like a difficult situation. I understand why it upsets you. We’ll work through it together.”
2.”You are a copy of your father.”
Or mother, sister, brother, or any other person. In either case, the phrase serves to address the partner’s weaknesses. Even if the comment itself is true, it is still unfair and inappropriate. By doing so, we “reduce” the person to a single negative character trait.
It is irresponsible and punishes the partner for the family traits he or she has shared in confidence. In addition, a remark like this can be a trigger because it reminds the person of features he or she does not like in a relative himself or herself. This does not lead to any change but only hurts.
Instead of comparing your partner to his or her family members, it is worth explaining that certain behavior displeases you and asking him or her not to behave that way.
3.”You always…” or “You never…”
These all-or-nothing lines often slip out in moments of despair, but rarely genuinely describe the other person. Moreover, such criticism automatically puts the partner in defense mode.
People shut down when they hear unsubstantiated accusations.
Explain what behavior you don’t like about your partner and share your concerns. Instead of saying, “You’re always sitting on your phone!” talk about how you feel like he or she is ignoring you when he or she checks Instagram* every night before bed.
Careful choice of words and phrases will help keep you from pointing fingers at your loved one’s blunders and make them listen to what you’re saying.
4.”You’re doing it wrong. Why can’t you do things my way?”
It’s easy to get angry when someone else does something “wrong” or not the way you want. It could be a small thing, like loading the dishwasher, or it could be a serious issue – say, parenting methods for a child.
Like saying, “You don’t seem to be doing very well. I have an idea that might help. If you want, I’ll share.” This will make it feel like you’re working on a task together, rather than arguing about whose way is better.
This phrase, as well as lines like “I want a divorce” or “I hate you,” are damaging, even if you say them in a non-serious way. It’s perfectly normal to be mad at each other. But scandalizing and saying harsh things is an unhealthy way to handle a situation.
The moment your partner reaches peak stress is the worst time to talk about your feelings. It’s better to calm down and then talk peacefully about what happened.
When a loved one is upset and we say they are “too vulnerable” or “emotional,” we are belittling their feelings. It’s not fair to decide for the other person how they should feel. Moreover, it does nothing to resolve the conflict.
Even if you don’t fully understand or agree with your partner’s point of view, don’t judge their reactions. It is better to use the phrase: “I can see how it hurts you. It will let the person know that they are being heard and their emotions are respected.
Why silence is no less destructive to a relationship
People who like to “play the silent game” after arguments sabotage all attempts at constructive dialogue in this way. They usually shut down, refuse to talk, and leave the room. As a result, the partner feels abandoned and rejected at a time when they especially need emotional connection and support.
The reluctance to keep in touch during or after a conflict is a time bomb. Each partner doesn’t understand why he or she has hurt the other and how the situation can be remedied. This kind of behavior is especially common in people with avoidant attachment types. They feel uncomfortable in a relationship that is too close and often look for ways to distance themselves.
If you recognize yourself in this description, experts advise telling your partner that you need a few minutes to calm down, and then come back and discuss everything frankly. You may have a few conditions – for example, that you are not interrupted or that the conversation is built on solving the problem, rather than arguing about who is right. Either way, don’t be afraid to talk about what’s going on – it will only strengthen the alliance.